Never Attended Summer Camp or Summer School

We’ve got high hopes for the upcoming months here at Terror Optics Studios, mostly because we have a killer script and a physical studio in which to film said script. Events leading up to principal photography are long, boring, and essential - the hard work is preproduction. If preproduction is given its due, and the many hours of planning and preparation have been spent properly, principal photography should be a breeze. I wouldn’t know from experience, but Hitchcock said some shit about preproduction being where the movie gets made and actual production being a bit of a bore, and I’m not about to question Hitchcock.

I get to think creatively during preproduction; what’s my shot composition, what colorful lighting to use for certain sets, and how to can separate scenes through visual aesthetics such as handheld versus dolly shots. We might even have enough time to rehearse the scenes in terms of both dialogue and staging, avoiding the headache of having to deal with actors (snotty fuckers for the most part). When all is said and done, we just show up, press record, get a few takes in the can, and move on down the shot-list until we break for mealtime or the day is done. Boring!

I must confess that I’ve misled you into thinking us a professional lot. Regrettably, the joke is on me, as we won’t be TOO rehearsed due to a genuine lack of professionalism. Instead, I’ll likely curse the cast, crew, catering, Waffle House employees, family, and whoever else has the nerve to approach me. At least I don’t have investors to bother me, with their needless financial concerns and silly opinions about commercial viability.

I go on record to say that principal photography is my absolute favorite part of the filmmaking process, confessing that I will have multiple tantrums on set and likely piss off a handful of sensitive types. What can be so good you may wonder, knowing that so much trouble can (and will) come about while filming? To a great extent, there’s a natural high in setting up the production and achieving what you had set out to achieve. Call it fulfillment, or adrenaline, or whatever you want; everyone on set gets a special little thrill at the end of the day when we know that we got the job done. Ah, but it is the “we” aspect of achievement that resonates most of all. “Teamwork, sportsmanship, how your friends look naked,” says Mr. Shoop.

Many of us on the crew side of production will sleep far too little. Cast and crew alike will begin to bicker about shit that would seem trivial to an outsider, but that’s an expected byproduct of overworked/underpaid guerilla filmmaking. Throughout all the chaos and perversion, a few people will walk away having developed those special friendships that only occur within the microcosm of a film set. Once you’ve shared the thrills and disgusts of a modern day exploitation film, you walk away from the experience with a life long bond – something like soldiers get from being the unwelcome occupiers of a foreign land, but minus the rape and regret. I’m not saying that I have a hard time making friends outside of the moviemaking process (if I did admit as much, I’d have to write a whole new blog explaining my aversion to strangers, and I’m really not in the mood to dig too deep in my more peculiar mannerisms). All I’m willing to admit in this post is that I’m truly excited about the upcoming production, specifically about the prospect of working with new people and making a few new friends. Cheers.

Star Wars Will Always Be Cool

Born in 1981 makes me a Generation X baby, just barely qualifying the cutoff before becoming one of those post 1981 Generation-Y kids, with their fancy digital gadgets and ignorant perplexity at my adopted Skeletor moniker. The Star Wars franchise was in full swing by the time of my birth, and I regrettably missed out on the initial hype and hoopla. What I most remember regarding the franchise is my interest in Jabba’s Rancor (ala Return of the Jedi), but that’s because horror dominated my film library during the recorded-from-cable VHS movement of the late 1980s.

Transitioning into young adulthood, Star Wars was one of the few movie connections I could agree upon with my peers. Not every kid got to watch Jason Vorhees slaughter topless hotties in the woods, but a nerd is a nerd, and I’ll take a Star Wars nerd over a pretentious Sportscenter nerd any day of the week. Fast-forward to the sorta-present day, past the embarrassing Phantom Menace era stuff, and Star Wars seems more popular now than ever. My nephew is obsessed with Darth Vader and always seems to defeat me in backyard brawls via the Force. This is cheating I know, but who am I to deny a five year old the satisfaction of an old fashion choke-down sans the unpleasant involvement of athleticism and/or paramedics.

There’s no need for me to ponder further the “whys” of Star Wars popularity. The original trilogy was released at the right time in cinema, implemented never before scene timeless special effects, and marketed toys to the kiddies en masse. A little self reflection reveals that we are: 1) making a movie in the era of free downloads, targeted towards the demographic who happens to spend the least and download the most, 2) only exhibiting a few inventive ways to kill naked people, but doing little groundbreaking in the special effects department, 3) overall unable to market a movie where the title character has a dick attached to his chin, all the best still images are nudes, and the very title alone excludes it from mass marketing. I guess we won’t be making too much bread in the retention of merchandising rights, but we’ll keep them nonetheless.

These observations serve to give a small perspective to the financial ass-raping we should receive if we actually chose to spend a bunch of money on Cockface 3, but being the thrifty bunch that we are, naturally the budget costs most heavily fall on boobs and beer (narcotic substances off the books of course). So where was I going with the Star Wars thing… surely there’s something to be gained from the most financially lucrative franchise in film history? What do I personally like the most, not being a bias fanboy? The answer lies somewhere in my admiration for how the original trilogy stands out visually from the Sci-Fi of it’s day, and equally so from the Sci-Fi of the present. The look of Star Wars is timeless, even though it says something in the beginning about being set in the future. Lucas didn’t go with the wide lapels popularized by the Saturday Night Fever crowd. If he wanted the “long ago” look like the opening text claimed, he should have dressed the men in knee breeches and leather jerkins. A present-day interpretation would have Hans Solo in skinny jeans.

The costumes of Star Wars have helped to solidify its cult-status. Darth Vader looks totally evil, and he never even gets bloody. Princess Leia’s boobs are always taped down, but I’ll be damned if girls don’t jump at the chance to dress up like slave Leia (so hot). Costumes aren’t the only thing I like about Star Wars, because the movies really do kick ass and light-sabers really do steal the show, but we’re going for self reflection here, and I’m searching for ways I can emulate cinematic genius without tossing Cockface into space along with the Leprechaun, Pinhead, Jason Vorhees, and all the other exhausted horror franchises. Come to think of it, we don’t have anyone to do the costumes this go around… any volunteers? Imagine the Craigslist add we could post. Cheers!

Living for Tomorrow

Do I regret my sordid past? Maybe you charm a pretty lady and take her home. “Sure, I’d love a nightcap,” you say, knowing damn well that you just got the thumbs up for some playtime. But in the end, do you really wanna spend the night?

Once you seal the deal, bailing out the window becomes an intriguing course of action. There’s no going back. If she was fat, you did the fat chic. If she had a festering STD, you’re now a card-carrying member of the local clinic. Lucky for me, I have no regrets in lovemaking, but there are times when “other” past indiscretions comes into question. Crank-whores and/or baby-mommas don’t mar my filthy past, but I do have to answer for my attempt at nudie satire. Do I regret making quasi-porn?

Whether or not I want to admit it, these films have finally become problematic to future business endeavors. My dreams of political cronyism are squashed. I’ll never hold a pubic office from which I can rape the treasury. I’ll also never get to make any money in the name of the Lord. Those churches are bleeding cash like it’s nobody’s business, but that money is off limits to a low-level smut producer, such as myself.

So where does this leave me? I’m currently being forced out of a business endeavor I have barely even started. What the fuck? My past is not something I can crawl away from with just a few broken ribs, or even something I could wash off with bleach and Brillo. Nope, I’m forever the guy who produced the dick-face movies. To some people, that’s kinda cool. To some people, that’s not acceptable.

Are my past choices mistakes? No… But… I have to admit that I’m feeling more than a little nervous about the future consequences of my past choices. These movies need to be made, if only for my own personal satisfaction. Maybe I’ll miss out on some great opportunity to lead a Girl Scout troop into the woods, but at least I can be proud of what I’ve done and everything that Terror Optics stands for. What ever does a smut-film production company stand for you ask? We’re here to remind you not to take shit so seriously. Relax. We’re not here for your daughter (at least not against her will). Our quandary is simple; how far do we wanna push the envelope here, and will this jeopardize any hopes for a career in film? Ah, but there’s the catch. I don’t want a career in film. I just wanna make the dick-face movies. Cheers.

Location is Everything

Filming on location is a terrible ordeal – always. If you’ve given the project any logical forethought, not only would you consider travel time, but also you’d be checking for electrical outlets, bathrooms, parking, etc. These are primary concerns to your location scouting. For Goregasm, the task was to find a place we can build whatever we want and not get caught filming perverted shit that may interest the authorities. So the location scout comes back and says, “we’d need hundreds of feet in extension cord, we’ll have to spend a day clearing out a bunch of shit, and the mold may be a health hazard – but nobody’s gonna fuck with us during filming.” Perfect!

Turn back the clock a decade. Mr. Pierre’s house (Andre’s dad’s house) was the primary location for Attack of the Cockface Killer, and this worked well because it addressed the basics: electricity, running water, and we could do whatever we wanted (provided we stayed out of Mr. Pierre’s room). An ever-ambitious bunch, we decided to drive an hour into the middle of nowhere to film Stabbed in the Face. We didn’t always have running water, but we could once again get away with filming just about anything. Sure the cops were called once, but they left without incident, and I never got cuffed. No harm no foul.

I have yet to produce a high-quality movie by almost every standard. Forget worrying about having the newest camera, or where to place the camera to motivate the story… the biggest question/concern involves WHERE you choose to shoot. Moving from location to location is difficult. People really bitch about being shuffled around. So there’s no bathroom at this location… find a dark corner or a bucket or a bush, I’m busy making a movie.

Therein lies the problem of the location, not that it doesn’t look right, or that some basic necessities are short, but that the cast/crew are becoming disgruntled. The crew becomes comfortable at one spot, only to pack up everything and move to a whole new location riddled with hindrances. The cast for some reason wants to have an illuminated room with a mirror – like I thought about that silly shit ahead of time. A perfect location accommodates in ways that make EVERYBODY happy. With Goregasm, my Uncle’s house functioned as seven different locations and doubled as a flophouse for half of the crew. Nobody bitched about a lack of modern conveniences, and more importantly, no time was wasted driving to and fro and having to unpack and repack equipment.

Considering how beautifully my Uncle’s house functioned as a “studio” space for Goregasm, Terror Optics Studios has recently acquired a studio of it’s own. We’ve got a giant metal building in an industrial part of town where there’s plenty of room to stretch out in style. I can guarantee that we’ve got the skills to turn this space into plenty of interesting and engaging set pieces, and I’m pretty sure the cops can’t shoo me off my own property. Yes indeed, I’m excited about principal photography for Cockface 3. Cheers.

Boobs and Butts

I’m going out on a limb here when I assume that the average viewers of sexploitation-horror-comedy films are predominately horny men. In continuing this line of thought, most of these guys are expecting to see naked women, and not just artsy fartsy nudes, but full-on erection causing nudity. Movies with any replay value don’t just engage the audience in a story. Sure, Shawshank Redemption is a great film, but why the fuck do cable channels play that shit over and over and over? My tastes lie more with something like Holy Mountain or Salo… that’s replay value!

Okay, artistic nudity has its place in cinema. Cinema is an art-form no greater or less than painting or photography. So why are sexploitation films given such a bad rap?

Do yourself a social hindrance and try to cast a model for an exploitation film. Go-ahead… logon to some model-mayhem casting-type website and find a pretty little thing that will get naked on camera. Chances are that she only does “artistic” nudes. Sorry bitch, I’m not Helmut Newton, AND I’m looking to see your crotch. This can only mean that I lack artistic intent. Immediately, I’ve fallen into sick pervert territory. How am I supposed to prove otherwise?

As frustrating as this may seem, I don’t want to work with someone who has little to no faith in the project. “Yes, this movie requires boobs and butts.” “No, we’re not making a porno.” “Yes, we want to see you naked.” “No, we’re not making a porno.” The fact that I’ve had this conversation more than once speaks poorly of my character – or does it?

This month has been spent combing through the character/cast requirements of Cockface 3, trying to identify the logistic concerns of casting and filming. Upon listing the cast and extras cast, we noticed that we’re lacking in a certain boob requisite. To add nudity for the sake of nudity is silly. The story must call for nudity, the nudity must motivate the characters and plot, and the audience must be properly primed to see the nudity. Kinda like foreplay, we want you to beg for the boobs and butts, and the goods aren’t coming out until you’ve been properly stimulated.

I can claim with full confidence that Cockface 3 will satisfy our target audience’s lust for butts. The nudity is there, but not just for nudity’s sake. I may not be able to convince the typical aspiring actresses to bare all (like you’re so fucking special), but I can guarantee that those faithful few who choose to become part of this project will look back on their involvement with pride. Sure, we say we’re “exploiting” sex. This is how we attract an audience. What’s the real motivation behind this project? We’re making a movie that certain weirdos (like me) want to see… and that movie just so happens to include boobs, butts, and a Cockface Killer. Cheers.