i said shake my hand... careful with that thing

            To follow up from the previous blog post, we’ve reached a magnificent 22% of our fundraising goal via Kickstarter, which would be a more magnificent amount if we weren’t a mere 5 days away from the deadline. Honestly, I’m flattered that so many people stepped up and donated. To those of you who’ve put it off till another day, don’t wait any longer. To those of you who’ve already contributed, rest assured that your gesture is duly noted and greatly appreciated!

            We shot a few more elements this week. These are not whole scenes mind you, but are elements of larger scenes that must be shot out of order in a different location from where the bulk of the scene takes place. The real heavy shooting begins in just two weeks, right after we get some air conditioning installed on the set. With a proud thump to the chest I boast that we are indeed making progress; as girls are getting naked, the sets are looking perfectly absurd, and we’re inching closer to drowning Cockface in blood. With or without a budget, Terror Optics promises its fans and reluctant associates a Grimewave.  

            In summary of the previous week, the crowd-sourcing fundraising stuff isn’t quite working out for Grimewave as I write this. Perhaps things will change, and I cross my fingers for a generosity and a budget, or perhaps we will have to shoot the movie sans budget and max out my credit. Regardless of how the film is financed, I promise the loyal fans of Cockface a new tale of perversion and murder. Not everyone I know is free at all hours of the day to help me unfold this tale. Try as we may to upset the norm, Terror Optics has always encountered a goodly force working against our portrayals of debauch, prompting us all the more to work against these inevitable setbacks. By the time the Kickstarter fundraising campaign has come to an end, for good or ill, we’re gonna have a pool party at Terror Optics Headquarters to celebrate all that we’ve orchestrated thus far, knowing full well that we’re making a movie that frees us all from the shackles of morality and proves to the world that life must go on… unless the Cockface Killer deems otherwise. Cheers.

the peculiar casting process of Terror Optics

Kickstarter is on up and up. With a little over two weeks to go, we’ve already amassed a whopping 7% of our goal. I like to think that the windfall will occur any day now, or as soon as I find it necessary to grovel to those more fortunate in the ways of finances and livelihood. Seems like every time we post an update, some generous soul decides to pitch in, and we thank all of you who’ve thus far decided that the Cockface Killer deserves a shot of Maker’s Mark for a job well done shoving his chin phallus into both animate and inanimate objects.

So what the fuck have we been doing with all our time… mostly casting. I’ve personally attended a small number of casting calls over the years. Honestly, I find acting more of a challenge than an interest, so acting isn’t something I’ve ever truly pursued, but it is certainly an enjoyable occupation. My recollections of casting calls, however, are mostly repulsive enough to dissuade me from ever pursuing the profession seriously, but I’ll leave those stories of shame and pity for another post. For now, I must confess that we’ve spent far too much time trying to fill the few remaining roles we have left, and that these roles are indeed crucial for the project to move any further, and yet move further we must. My ultimate goal is to make final decisions for the cast by this Sunday, meaning my week is packed with more coffee and lunch dates with strangers where I’ll be forced to kindly ask provocative questions that would usually garner a slap to the face. Boobs and butts required from the ladies as you all well know, and it just works better when you come right out and ask how comfortable a girl is with showing you her landing strip.

Indeed, if filmmaking were easy I’d probably find something more ridiculously humbling to do with my life. Some people have successful careers, some people have successful relationships, and some people are good at making sexploitation films. Being as my track record of the former two is beyond dreadful, I hope we can all work together at achieving the latter. I certainly cannot do it alone (although I have acted in drag once before), and I’m asking all those interested in the comical misfortune of the Cockface Killer to join me in the mission for making the great sexploitation film we so lovingly refer to as Grimewave. Cheers!

Let it be know from this point forward that I’m very well aware of how fundraising works, and the hunch here at Terror Optics Studios is that we need to continue to add content to our Kickstarter page to extract the money from friends and strangers alike. This blog is the first of what should evolve into beaux coup updates on the status of Grimewave. Allow me to provide said updates for said investors in the form a picture.

Given Goodhead - wait till you see her from behind

Yesterday was spent cleaning up and dressing sets, cleaning being the not so glamorous and not nearly as interesting part of the day, and dressing being the exciting part of the day as it happened to feel more like making a movie than working as a janitor. We also played around with some equipment and brought in two of our central characters for read-through and camera tests, hence the beautiful blond above (who wasn’t too thrilled about an impromptu camera test). Things were going along very smoothly, so we sent the screenwriter out on a beer run (screenwriters being notorious in their ability to both being useless on set and having a nose for booze).

As Matt searched for the elusive six-pack of LA-31, which I’m guessing isn’t for sale in St. Bernard Parish if even a screenwriter can’t find it; we were blessed with the far more exciting introduction to who may be our leading actress for Grimewave. Sometimes it only takes a phone call, and WOW there’s a sexy Asian chick reading the part for your sexploitation film. This truly is the land of opportunity. I’ll know more specifics regarding her interest and unyielding dedication as the week unfolds, but I think we found the perfect leading lady. This means it’s time to schedule filming, as I no longer have the excuse, “we need to find the perfect leading lady.” as my defense for putting off the overwhelming task of scheduling. Rightly so, this time waits for no one, so I think I’m gonna grab some coffee and play on the internet… but then I’m gonna schedule some filming…I promise. Cheers.

carbombs are kinda like craft services, only more filling

We’re asking for $5,000. That’s twice the budget of Cockface 1, but a quarter of the budget for Cockface 2. We’ve decided to feed the cast and crew, and more importantly pay people who aren’t part of the volunteer Terror Optics family. The family is ever dwindling due to aging, baby making, and my waning charisma, but that’s a topic for another post. Suffice to say that not everyone can spend half the week slipping around in blood puddles without the nagging concern of paying rent on the first of the month. The money will not be spent on equipment, being as we’ve got a bunch of equipment already, and I emphasize this proclamation because I know wholeheartedly that we don’t need tens of thousands of dollars as is the norm for most Kickstarter film projects. We really just need money for a few people to justify sacrificing time from work and, more importantly, for craft services.

I’m going out on a limb posting this blog entry today. We have yet to submit our project for review, and Kickstarter may very well reject our project. On the surface, Grimewave’s satirical take on pornography and horror doesn’t translate well when you take a quick glance at the Cockface Killer. I can only hope that the folks at Kickstarter look past the dildo flopping around and don’t assume we hold ill intentions. If Grimewave does get rejected, at least we tried, but we’ll still go through with production, which leads me to my final thought in the post…

I’m personally uncomfortable with asking people for money. The vast majority of people who would donate are friends and family, and these people would be donating to a cause that I take full responsibility to seeing into completion. That is a stressful commitment. Mind you, a feature length project isn’t something to be approached half-assed, and baring only natural disasters and military intervention would we not complete the project. It’s more knowing that I’ll be beholden to those people I love. After mulling over this concept for months, hence the really really late start in fundraising, I came to one very important realization… every project generates a debt of gratitude, and taking money is no different. In the past, projects had to be completed to pay back all those involved for the time they sacrificed. When you make a guerilla sexploitation movie, you’re taking away the leisure time of all those involved. As with all of our previous projects, most people are volunteering their time. Their time is just as, if not more so, valuable than the money donated to the cause. So, I’ll take some money from the generous fans of Cockface, and I’ll deliver a movie the likes of which has never been seen… yet. Cheers.

To be very honest and clear with you dear readers, I’d rather just call the movie Fuck the Cockface Killer, a title that seems appropriate to me in that it’s general enough regarding the plot so as not to give too much away, but it also references the title character of the movie and provides some context as to what genre of film your getting yourself into. Grimewave doesn’t outright convey the idea that it’s a sexploitation film, so more people might (accidentally) push play, but for some fucking reason distributors don’t like titles with the words “fuck” and “cock”, as if those words didn’t grab the audience’s attention.

We’ve batted around potential titles for Cockface 3 for over a year now (Cockface 3 always being a strong contender, but that whole “cock” thing ruins everything). So, maybe titles don’t matter as much as content IF (and only if) the content is worth a damn. Truthfully, I’m confident in the story, humor, and horror of the Grimewave script. Whether or not we can turn the text into moving pictures with the same effect remains to be seen, but I’m not gonna trade the potential exposure the movie merits via artistic license by calling the movie Blood Hole, which was my favorite title next to Cult of the Cockatrice. Although not the catchiest title in the history of film, Grimewave will make a ton of sense to anyone who watches the movie and it shouldn’t red flag us in the eyes of the filmmaking community (and you know how much I crave the acceptance of my fellow filmmakers – that is, in the way that they can suck my balls).

Cheers.

(Jared Scallions going to town on the glory-hole, a very well utilized set)

Not that I’m personally adept to swinging a hammer. I got a guy that does that shit. Grunt work is more my style, demolition and cleanup are my forte, but I’ve been know to pull of the karate kid way of nailing with one stroke. I wasn’t nailing metal into wood, but there was wood involved in a kinda metaphorical way, like if we’re alluding to have sex for those of you who can’t take a hint. Back to set construction, Terror Optics doesn’t hire a union of busy-bees to come in and build structurally sound stages out of brand new materials that will be ripped apart and tossed out in a two week time span. We’re more looking to find termite-free lumber, often riddled with nails, but more importantly free of cost by the way of lying on side of the road. This is the way to build sets without union costs. Although I’ve never actually inquired as to what the local union chapter charges, I’m willing to bet that said money would be better spent on things like boobs or booze… or both.

Ah, but these posts are supposed to deliver value to the thousands of avid young filmmakers that are silly enough to reference my knowledge in their pursuit of cinematic expression. To make good on my self-aggrandizing obligation, I can plainly state that location is everything – and building a set is fucking awesome. As we rip out walls and install more photo friendly lighting options (fluorescents aren’t your friend you know), preplanning the photography assists in designing the sets, and vice versa. Allow me to provide an example. For Attack of the Cockface Killer we simply decorated a room (often the very same room) in whatever the scene required. An empty room is your friend if you can toss in some crappy furniture or a litter box. An even better scenario is Goregasm, where we could actually build a room within a room. The glory-hole was the most well utilized space; it granted us the ability to more from the side to the center of the room, to film from above, to remove a wall for lighting purposes, etc. Simply put, a constructed set offers freedom that a spare room doesn’t provide unless you’re planning on a little brash demo work – my forte might I remind you.

That’s the only filmmaking insight I’ve got for today, as this post is really just me justifying to myself why I’ve spent the greater part my free time filling up a dumpster instead of finding actors. A wise man once made a movie I never saw that said something like “if you build it they will come,” so we’re building a strip club set on Friday. I’m not expecting to find strippers on the doorstep the next morning, but you never know. I am, however, expecting that once the building is ready for set construction (gotta fix that roof before Friday) and the sets are built and decorated… hopefully then I can hunt down some people to get naked and bloody. Cheers.

So I need to meet some Asian people. If Terror Optics resided in a thriving metropolis, I don’t think this would be too hard to do. The reality of our situation is that we reside in a thriving city that’s really no bigger than a small town when it comes to diversity. Hence, I’m having a hard time pinning down Asian people to play mobsters. It had never occurred to me that the largest Asian community in New Orleans is Vietnamese, and that this community is decidedly Catholic, and that close-knit religious families aren’t terribly fond of participating in my sexploitation masterpiece. This is exceedingly weird because of how many awesome Pinky Violence films I’ve seen. I guess that’s a Japanese thing. Anybody know where I can find the nearest Japanese community?

from the movie Tsumugi - classic stuff

Aside from the Asian Cartel, I need to find a bunch of bearded weirdos that can pass for bikers. Done. I do need to find at least one scruffy looking biker type who can act, but I’m not terribly worried about that one.

Who else??? Ah yes, I need to find a really strange couple that is willing to have sex on camera. Feel free to email your pictures and any links to homemade porn. Don’t worry, I’m not looking to be impressed with your sexual performance, and I don’t care whether or not you’re in any way physically attractive.

Moving on… a homosexual male couple willing to fuck on camera. Here’s where living in New Orleans comes in really handy. We shoot this shit around Decadence Festival and I can have a taint-licking gala before you can ask, “what’s that smell?”

There you have it; of about thirty speaking roles and nearly as many extras required, I’ve got freaks hanging from the rafters in anticipation of this silliness we call filmmaking, but I’ll never even meet Eihi Shiina, much less convince her to star in a Cockface film. I hope I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe Terror Optics needs to learn Japanese.  But I’m also really reluctant to hold any type of open auditions. Sure, lots of people come in and read some lines for whatever character they might pull off, and we even get a few people to actually check off the yes box on the information form where it says something like, “mind taking your top off… how about your bottoms?” Come to find out, that’s not how you’re supposed to audition people. So, in a non-threatening less than creepy sort of way, I’ve got my eye out for a few characters needed for Cockface 3. If we meet in public, and I leer in a way that you might think is deserving of an ass-kicking, keep in mind that I’m on the lookout for talent. Short of learning Japanese, I’m gonna need a little luck and a whole lot of gall.  That, dear readers, is how to cast for a (micro-budget sexploitation) feature film. Cheers.

(Me, John Russo, and Amanda Kiley at the L.A. Fango Convetion. John wasn't too impressed with Cockface.)

First and foremost, fuck you guys who think we make movies for money. Really, how stupid do we look? Secondly, I don’t mind the torrent sites, because I’ve met a lot of really cool people who had nothing but praise for the films, and their main outlet to Terror Optics was, “yeah, I saw that online.”

So why not title this post “nostalgia for DVD?” Fuck DVD! Sure, I was really stoked when all the classics I could only vaguely remember on VHS were FINALLY released in high quality, complete with extras and the oh-so insightful commentary tracks. The real problem with DVD was that we always ran into problems releasing our movies in that format. With Attack of the Cockface Killer, the company wouldn’t print the cover. Mind you, the cover is a cartoon drawing of the characters, but this was way back in the day, before DVD replication houses were easy to find. A few years later, I found a new company for Stabbed in the Face, in hopes these bastards wouldn’t hold me up because of offensive content. This batch was bought and paid for, only to find out shortly thereafter that the discs were warped. This meant that the DVDs wouldn’t play through without skipping. We got screwed. I had to pay for a new batch, albeit from a different company. With Goregasm I got fucked in a couple ways. Long story short, I ended up ordering discs twice, at the reasonable discount of twice the cost.

But the nostalgia for VHS isn’t the fact that they always worked, could be easily copied, could easily fastforward/rewind, could buy a pack for cheap and fit three Skinemax movies on one tape… no, it’s the grey market I’m talking about. I would order catalogues from the back of horror magazines. These catalogues offered vague descriptions of movies with unbelievably brutal titles, and the box would arrive without cover art, making the screening of said movie even more mysterious up to the moment you pressed play. Only the real horror hound had access to these films, b/c only a total dork would go so far out of their way to seek out foreign films (often without subtitles) with names like Massacre in Dinosaur Valley or Don’t Torture a Duckling. What the fuck was my problem? Most kids were playing football or some healthy type shit.

In the end, I met the vast majority of my longest running friendships through the movie-nerd circuit. Any fan of Coffin Joe or Alejandro Jordowsky is a friend of mine. But plenty of these formerly obscure films are now available for instant streaming on Netflix or the plethora of free streaming sites that haven’t yet been raided by the Nazi Copyright Police. Kids these days have such ready access to these films, in which case they no longer regard the filmmaker’s tenacity in making a movie for the sake of art rather than to make a buck. The modern indie-horror movement has churned out tons of new ridiculously titled films, saturating the instant queue, but the vast majority totally fucking suck. So, people see the title, google a review, and form an opinion based off what other people write. Where’s the fun in that? In the end, I actually miss the days of the DVD. I do miss VHS most of all, but at least DVDs had to be borrowed or traded (or bought if you have a job). Does this mean I don’t download? No - I’m not retarded. My view is that the easy access spoils the fun of the hunt; watching a movie, hoping it doesn’t suck, and loving or hating the film, having to then have an opinion of your own. Those were the days. Shit, I’m really opinionated. That’s probably not a good thing. Cheers.

Above is an example of what I look life in make believe land. My hair isn't nearly as full or shiny in real life.

Anyway, Weirdos will consume the next two days of my life, and then I'm done with the genital-rock mockumentary genre for the remainder of the year. Terror Optics is pushing forward with our slightly more commercially successful Cockface Killer franchise. The next project will likely take a year and a half to completion. At least we'll be getting an hour and a half of finished material out of the effort, as opposed to the thirty minutes we got from Weirdos, but if you're gonna go through all the trouble of starting a project, you might as well finish. The crazy thing is agreeing to a task when you're fully aware of just how much time and effort is required. Sounds like marriage or buying a car... serious shit. If you say you're gonna make a movie, you better realize that your social life will suffer. If you don't want a social life, making a movie is an excellent way to force people to give you attention for a brief periord of time. You better know damn well that the following months will be spent alone on a computer. Make the most of the forcing people to do shit. I always have. 

All in all, Weirdos was one hell of a ride. I just thought I'd share that bit of information with the fans before the video goes online, and I thought it important to promise sex and violence next time. Cheers.

So I guess work itself doesn’t suck, but it’s the mind-numbing activities that ruin my day. When a delivery isn’t properly checked in, or a bill gets lost in the shuffle, or an employee instigates a lawsuit; all these scenarios cause a tad bit of a headache for me when I’m just trying to go about my daily ritual of drinking coffee and googling new ways to take over the world. I couldn’t give a fuck about work related problems, except for that the solving of these problems keeps the lights on both at work and at home. Does this mean I simply continue doing something I don’t really enjoy? Shouldn’t I be grateful to have a job (or three), or grateful that my job doesn’t too often require me handling human waste? I meet a lot of girls at work. I’d have to pay for their attention otherwise.

So, I didn’t work today, per se, but we did finish filming for our very soon to be released short comedy Weirdos. As fun as filming may be, I’m tired. That shit is a lot of work. At this point, even my quasi day off is a workday. After moving around lights, adjusting audio levels, moving some more lights, and detailing all the wigs, a “this is gonna be fun” day of filming has me looking for a nap. What’s the difference between here and my other job? To be honest, there isn’t one. Sure, this is what I do voluntary. But work should always be seen as voluntary. The day you walk into your work and feel like you couldn’t walk out (for whatever reason) is like living in prison, only the ass raping is hopefully figurative.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up with a tinge of hangover, but I’m not going to dread work like usual. Keep in mind, although work sucks, you gotta spend your time somehow, and you can’t always make smut-films. To end on a positive note, think to yourself the next time you go to work, “if I don’t leave the house, I’ll devolve into some sort of hermit weirdo.” Trust me folks, you need to interact with people, which means you need to step out into the real world. How can you satirize what’s out there if you don’t experience all that which sucks? Cheers.